-RANT (read if you wish)-

Blood, lust, raw sexual desires, taboo cravings, being venerable those are normally the appeals of a vampire. It is plain and simple a "forbidden" sexual drive that attracts us to vampires weather you want to admit it or not. It excites me and intrigues me, mostly because vampires have always been, and should have always been, dark creatures driven purely by desire and need. They were raw creatures who do what needs to be done to survive. But at the same time refined, regal. Its so hard to explain what a REAL vampire should be, but it's not like this twilight. Every other bumpersticker on facebook i see is some lame quote like "i broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't a vampire" or something stupid like that. Read the vampire chronicles by Anne Rice. THAT is what a vampire should be, Lestat or Queen of the Damned. Don't tell me you think vampires are sexy or something stupid if your a Twilight fan because that is no vampire book. If anything that is a child's version of a vampire book. Twilight is lame, obsess over a REAL vampire character and then talk to me.

Here I am, but here I won’t stay
Don’t mess up
Your ego is too big for that
And sometimes you don’t get it.
When the air is too thick
Don’t make me swallow.
A clock with seconds
Moves slower when you watch
And sometimes I wish I would get run over
Just enough so I could lay down for a bit.
And when it makes you sad
Take it in stride
And once wake up
Where you want to be
With no obligations
This is dangerous.
I know who my critics are
The feeling when you know you’re getting sick.
What’s the point of asking how are you
When the answer is always good
That’s not even correct grammar
It was different before,
I was different before
And I hope you’re happy now.
Sunny side up just this time
Turn the page
Sometimes it isn’t best to go on
Not like this.
It’s not worth it when it hurts
Just like plucking eyebrow hair,
And why should I shave my legs.
Hey, no one is making me but myself.
I lost my moment
Clapping, what is it good for?
Absolutely nothing,
Should I say it again?
Take me home,
Well I drove myself
Turn your anger into lust
This was no accident
And everything can mean nothing
When nothing means everything
All eyes have corners
Circles, squares, lines and bears
Can you picture things any other way?
Point your fingers anyway you want them,
But they will always be yours,
Even if you cut them off
They belong to you.
Don’t ask what I want
That answer isn’t coming.
Red is not your color
But neither is blue
Say it, only if you feel it.
Now your world is way too fast.
Nothing real, nothing lasts.
Where to stop is when I begin.
I still love the way you feel.
I’m not sure I don’t miss the drive
You lost, has that ever happened to you
Break out fake laughs
Awkward moments never last too long.
You’re just as passionless as the last guy.
While we’re on the subject,
Could we change the subject now?
There is no fast forward for the poor fool
In bed craving the relief of something
Don’t understand it,
It was never meant to mean anything.
Everyone is looking for the future
But begging for the past.
Over suggestions like the dirt in your nails.
Memory is a poor excuse for the present.
Do you feel stale yet?
Leave your door open.
It’s good the world can explode this way.
I can’t wait for the day when the people
Look like flowers at last.
Take it as I’m not so much angry
As I am a witness.
Although everything feels so heavy
I am starting to feel light

you wear your hoodie a lot now a days.
& a different belt with your baggy jeans.
you don't complain about your weight anymore.
but I just never see you eat.
I hear the toliet flushing twice in a row.
your bathroom visits got longer.
your skintone has lost its color.
& I see you lost your interest in makeup.
your emotions change like a ticking clock.
& you always pass up a smiling face.
your cell phones always shut off.
& you ignore that cry for help.
& everytime I try to talk.
you say you're not in a "talking mood".
& the expressions on your face.
say a lot more than you ever do.
but it's okay because people make mistakes.
& the day your heart stopped.
will just be someone elses regret.

My boyfriend knows that I have cut myself before. He once found one on my arm and got upset, worried about me. I don't blame him, after all, I would feel the same way if I knew he was hurting himself. The other day though he found out from a friend of mine that I had done it again... He said he wasn't mad, but really worried about me. He told me to promise him I wouldn't do it again, to call him if I was thinking about doing it again.
I don't want this to change things between us, I wish I could take it back but I can't.
I don't want him to hold me but less than he used to. Love me but with a little more caution. Sneak glances at me constantly, wondering what else I'm hiding from him. Wonder who I've become and where the girl he knew had disappeared to. I don't want him to miss me though I am right there with him. I don't want him to say he loves me but question how deep that love really goes.
I want to earn his trust back and be the girl he loves. I don't want him to feel like he has to protect me from everything. How do I fix things?

you know that feeling when you're perfectly fine then in one moment your whole body goes numb. you can't make one sound, you can't cry, even if you try to. you lose sight of everything else. you can't see straight, everything just becomes a blur. you feel so cold, you're shaking. you just want to sleep, but you're eyes won't close. when you just want so bad for things to work out. you're heart beats fast and slow at the exact same time. you can't think of anything else, it's just stuck on your mind. when something or someone that has been apart of you for so long just becomes a memory. when you try to think of something else, anything at all to make sense to you. when slit wrists become a scar. when photographs become forgotten images. when perfection is just a dream. when you don't even want to blink, cuz you're scared of losing it all.
it's already gone, but maybe its for the best.
maybe this was always for the best.

and as hard as you try, you will just never get it.